I really hate the fact that you are still capable of affecting me, in any ways, every ways. I don’t understand why. Every time when i get “provoke” by your actions, i feel so helpless yet glad because that turn-off moment gives me the courage to have nothing to do with you, no dreams, no flashbacks that make me live in the past for a moment. But then again, it hits me so hard once again. Even if it’s just a tiny bit of communication you had with others. I don’t know. I curse and swear and then i play those flashbacks and the cycle just keeps repeating, non-stop. Like, why. Why do you have the ability to make me feel so bad. I hate the fact that im actually admitting that you actually do have the ability to make me feel so bad.
I am so helpless.
I felt nothing when i passed by there and im quite surprised. Is it just a coincidence that for that very day i wasn’t quite affected cause i was “provoked”?
I told myself to just look through, like knowing the details, like reading a book and that’s all, moving on with my life just like the aftermath of a movie. But every word and sentences make me question myself for a few seconds, before i coming back to my senses again, telling myself that it doesn’t even make it difference, do they.
But every time, i just felt the urge to punch you right in the face because you’re fucking not worth my time. UGH.
I hate the fact that you’re soooooo happy, trying to be so lively with THOSE. Many a times i tell myself you’re not worth it and i am not trying to lie to myself like those normal phrases people would say. It is true that you’re not worth it. And this love isn’t like those love i had, that i feel it’s worth going through. Really.
So why the hell am i feeling a thing.
The anger, the sadness, why the hell are you even still capable of making me feel all this even after so long.
Just, fuck you.
What do you do when a home, no longer feels like a home anymore? When home is just a shelter, a place to hide, a place to be isolated and all. I often compare, since young to be exact, but this comparison just gets stronger and stronger. I thought when i eventually grow up, everything would be better and home is place for me to hide from all the pain i had from the outside world. But no, it really gets tougher. I do not know what to do anymore. I don’t feel happy at home, i don’t even talk much at home, i don’t even have someone to ease my pain.
Comparing myself with all the people outside. Going out with their parents, tweeting about how wonderful it is, taking photos with their family and all. I just feel that unbelievable awkwardness and devastation. Being all so impatient talking to them, with that tone of mine and sometimes, i don’t even look at them properly. I feel the sorrow. I just start to wonder and go into deep thoughts. Seeing some teenagers being able to talk to their parents like friends, able to connect to them, laughing and sharing difficulties they met outside and if they were to get hurt they could just run home.
WHAT ABOUT ME.
I run home to find more pain and troubles. I do not know how to communicate anymore. And this time, it’s true. Things might not be the same anymore and i feel so damn indifferent because i no longer could face it the same way. It’s over.
And how much i hope what i feel recently is just a matter of time, it’s just temporary. I want to feel the love not DISGUISE. That’s the word…
I know I’m not good. I know there are people worse than me. Having no parents at all and yes yes yes. I KNOW. I know it takes 2 hands to clap. I KNOW.
I need someone to tell me what to do. But there’s no one anymore. Im so afraid to drop down into this deep black hole, just deeper and deeper each day.
Everyday, i wish and hope that someone would appear in my life and save me out from this. Really. But as much as i want people to be there to talk to me and all, sometimes i just keep my mouth shut and worse, i’ll push them away. I hate that i am some selfish freak and sometimes i just feel like i deserve all this. BUT NO, do i really deserve all this?
I hate how i talk to them so impatiently, i hate how i don’t do what other children would do. And i never forget that as i grow, they get old too. WHAT SHOULD I DO. It’s like, there’s no turning back anymore…. She makes me feel so disturbed..
Yes, i am comparing the bad and didn’t realise the good. I mean, they are not totally wrong. But what i really need, they DO NOT KNOW. I know every house is different and perhaps im asking for things that..I don’t know. I need emotionally support. I need this place to be somewhere that i feel safe BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO. And im so tired of hearing things like, i’ll be there for you, we will be there, is there anything i can help you. FUCK NO.
Ranting doesn’t help anymore. I don’t wanna turn into someone quiet and bottles everything up. I don’t want to turn into someone im not but THIS FUCKING HOUSE IS MAKING ME INTO ONE. I NEED FUCKING PEACE.
I know everyone is fighting their own battle and I AM NOT ALONE. But fuck it, do you fucking know how much go through in my mind and all you know is to chip it away like some broken radio. FUCK IT. I had enough when i said all those words.
Enough of sins. There’s nothing left to amend.
Insecurities, comparisons, studies, my fucking idiotic complexion that cost me thousands and i worked to just spend all my money here. I don’t ask much from you all. ALL I NEED IS AN EMOTIONAL SUPPORT AND YOU BEING ABLE TO LET ME HAVE PEACE AND FEEL LIKE AT LEAST I HAVE A PIECE OF TINY HOLE LEFT TO BREATHE IN THIS SUFFOCATING WORLD THAT FUCKS ME UPSIDE DOWN.
And no matter how hard i study, im never there. No matter what i do, im still not good enough. I really do know that im not good that is why im left with nothing and perhaps i really do deserve it.
Things just really get worse just as i grew into a much older teenage girl. Everything is twirling and every day im just battling my own battle of telling myself that im fine, it’s ok to be alone, my face is ok, im independent and tough days don’t last. Everyday i wake up with hope that dies down as i go to bed feeling like an abandon cat just like the one under my block.
My decisions are always wrong. Or perhaps, im just not good enough to accomplish things that i’ve chosen or maybe i deserve shit.
I don’t want to hide anymore.
Just save me.
I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life.
Do you ever just re-evaluate your life after reading a really good book and realize how boring life really is
I mean we eat and sleep and go to school and work and that’s it. There’s no dragon-slaying, no real adventures, no sense of danger, no fighting for our lives, nothing really exhilarating or anything